tuesday 22/8
tuesday selalunya hari aku gi dating ngan dia petang after ofis... sbb kul 8 dia ade kelas, so dia tak balik rumah dulu...
macam biasa, ptg smlm gi minum ngan dia kat area rumah aku, dia ambik aku kat rumah... sambil minum tu, aku tunjuk kat dia ring tone yg aku buat sendiri guna wavepad, then send 1 kat dia...
lepas minum, ingat dia nak hantar aku balik rumah terus, tapi macam biasa, berhenti kat tepi jalan kejap sbb nak 'berbual mesra'...
then, its already 8, tapi dia kata takpe, dia masuk lambat sket... so we pusing2 naik kete... ingat nak pusing2 area rumah aku je, tapi pastu he got onto the state road... so, sambil driving tu, tetiba je dia bukak citer pasal ex-colleague dia bla bla bla... aku tetiba je naik bosan sbb tadikan kitorang tgh 'berbual mesra', cam tak flow je topic tu.... i thot "how did we go from 'berbual mesra' about us to cerita pasal your ex-collague??"... nevertheless, i kept quite sampai balik... dah dekat nak sampai rumah aku balik, dia tanya "u menyesal ke kawan ngan i ni?"... so i answered, "ade lah yang i nyesal, ade yg i suka"... not satisfied my answer, he asked further "ape yg u nyesal?".. then i answered "bukan nyesal la... more to ade yg i tak puas hati la"... then he probe further "ape yg u tak puas hati ngan i?"... hmmm at first i didn't want to tell him coz i know what his reaction wud be... he'll get defensive, a little upset, then he'll change topic, or make a move by saying he's got to go... then, no 'i love u' that night...
however, i told him a little... he said i seemed to be a little upset with him tonite... so i told him that i got mood swing when he started to talk about his ex-colleague bla bla bla... so not romantic considering our 'berbual mesra' before that... and true enough, all of the things i just said above happened... he get a little defnesive, he said "sbb tu lah i tanya u menyesal ke kawan ngan i ni? sbb i tak pandai bercerita. after sometimes we ran out of idea to talk. u shud have told me that u don't like to talk about it..".... hmmm how is it that he always managed to turn it into my fault?... he always did that... i always felt bad after expressing my feelings to him... so, no 'i love u' last night... the worst thing is that his hp was out of battery, so cannot make up after his class...
as usual, after this kind of situation, i'll go up to my room crying... i vowed not to cry over a man anymore few years back, but i still do... i wanted so much to believe the saying "there is no man who is worth your tears, the one who is worth your tears will not make you cry" this magic expression is so comforting... i always remember it whenever i cried over him... so i thot, maybe i want to end it tomorrow, when he called me in the morning... then i get even more sad thinking about breaking up with him... its been 5 years... i don't know what i will do without him... i just cannot imagine my life without his calls, bla bla bla... then, after much crying, it suddenly occurred to me why don't i give him the liberty to make the call to end this relationship... with that, i don't have to think so much when is the good time to end it... plus, he'll be the one who'll feel guilty the rest of his life for my 5 miserable years.... and i think that is just what i'm going to do... i will give a 5th year anniversary gift, the liberty to make the call...
macam biasa, ptg smlm gi minum ngan dia kat area rumah aku, dia ambik aku kat rumah... sambil minum tu, aku tunjuk kat dia ring tone yg aku buat sendiri guna wavepad, then send 1 kat dia...
lepas minum, ingat dia nak hantar aku balik rumah terus, tapi macam biasa, berhenti kat tepi jalan kejap sbb nak 'berbual mesra'...
then, its already 8, tapi dia kata takpe, dia masuk lambat sket... so we pusing2 naik kete... ingat nak pusing2 area rumah aku je, tapi pastu he got onto the state road... so, sambil driving tu, tetiba je dia bukak citer pasal ex-colleague dia bla bla bla... aku tetiba je naik bosan sbb tadikan kitorang tgh 'berbual mesra', cam tak flow je topic tu.... i thot "how did we go from 'berbual mesra' about us to cerita pasal your ex-collague??"... nevertheless, i kept quite sampai balik... dah dekat nak sampai rumah aku balik, dia tanya "u menyesal ke kawan ngan i ni?"... so i answered, "ade lah yang i nyesal, ade yg i suka"... not satisfied my answer, he asked further "ape yg u nyesal?".. then i answered "bukan nyesal la... more to ade yg i tak puas hati la"... then he probe further "ape yg u tak puas hati ngan i?"... hmmm at first i didn't want to tell him coz i know what his reaction wud be... he'll get defensive, a little upset, then he'll change topic, or make a move by saying he's got to go... then, no 'i love u' that night...
however, i told him a little... he said i seemed to be a little upset with him tonite... so i told him that i got mood swing when he started to talk about his ex-colleague bla bla bla... so not romantic considering our 'berbual mesra' before that... and true enough, all of the things i just said above happened... he get a little defnesive, he said "sbb tu lah i tanya u menyesal ke kawan ngan i ni? sbb i tak pandai bercerita. after sometimes we ran out of idea to talk. u shud have told me that u don't like to talk about it..".... hmmm how is it that he always managed to turn it into my fault?... he always did that... i always felt bad after expressing my feelings to him... so, no 'i love u' last night... the worst thing is that his hp was out of battery, so cannot make up after his class...
as usual, after this kind of situation, i'll go up to my room crying... i vowed not to cry over a man anymore few years back, but i still do... i wanted so much to believe the saying "there is no man who is worth your tears, the one who is worth your tears will not make you cry" this magic expression is so comforting... i always remember it whenever i cried over him... so i thot, maybe i want to end it tomorrow, when he called me in the morning... then i get even more sad thinking about breaking up with him... its been 5 years... i don't know what i will do without him... i just cannot imagine my life without his calls, bla bla bla... then, after much crying, it suddenly occurred to me why don't i give him the liberty to make the call to end this relationship... with that, i don't have to think so much when is the good time to end it... plus, he'll be the one who'll feel guilty the rest of his life for my 5 miserable years.... and i think that is just what i'm going to do... i will give a 5th year anniversary gift, the liberty to make the call...
posted by Dang Anum | 5:15 PM
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